Thursday, April 26, 2012


I wonder when it will ever end.

I wonder if it CAN end. I think it rears its head in sooo many forms that it's impossible to stop. The worlds gone too far with it. men who are misogynists somehow may not even realise they are. It comes out in such subtle mannerisms. It's both violent and subtle. Passive and active. Soft and hard.
I often think to myself- why... Even in religion.. Aren't there any Female prophets or leaders.. If God has chosen us to carry and deliver life.. Surely he would believe we Are stronger and the more capable?
Today.. Most Men no longer hunt and live in the jungle nor do I even know of any man who's job is more physically demanding than a womans... So what extra strength do they have that would ever justify such ridiculous belief that men are worth more or stronger than women. Where and how does such a myth still live on today? We talk about modernity and how we have evolved and how we use our 'akal' our brains.. And how advanced we are. We laugh off unicorns and ghosts n myths.. Yet myths such as men being of more value or worth or strength than women.. Still conveniently remain tighly engrained in the psyche and spill out over all aspects of life and the world.. In every area and every industry..

It's a shame.. A darn shame that such an evolved race as humans and such smart men and women.. Will believe in such lies such myths such convenient 'truths' even today.

Everyday.. My 'akal' tells me what I am really worth.. And the atrocities against women just keep on going.. And I just don't know how to empower us women .. I don't know how we will ever stop this ugly animal of misogyny that's become part of 'normal' by myself.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

colours of life.

i used to only wear black. but nowadays... i cant stop wearing colours. must be how i feel!!!;-)

can u spot me...?;-)

i was three.

sketchin and caffeine..:-)

trying something very very new

got out of my comfort zone lately. attended an Espresso Making course, attended an Art jamming last night.

feel like im finally Living. trying new things. enjoying being me. discovering how to seperate sarimah with the tv radio personality. at last. i love it.

im reviewing my book. its taking longer than usual. but its coming along ok.:-) its quite revealing. a few drafts are needed.

i hope it helps alot of people. even a few.

Saturday, April 21, 2012


Looking at the photos of these two sisters didn't shock me. Which shocked me even more. I think I'm becoming desensitized by what I see whe it comes to the extremes people go to when unwell.

Just last night I watched a play in KL.. A musical. One of the stars was clearly anorexic. So anorexic she wore skin colored tights to try and hide the bony veiny appearance of her legs. Not too different frm these pictures.
Yet she rejoiced in the applause the audience gave her. You could see that in her life she LIVED off the applause and attention.:-( and not food.

It saddened me cause it reinforced her. If I were the director I would have told her to gain some weight or stay out of the show. She looked like she was dying she was so thin.

And then I saw a second cast member just as sickly thin. And no this wasn't the naturally thin type. It was almost like these sisters here. Yet they sang and entertained everyone and everyone clapped and did nothing but take from them. Cause we paid for a performance. And we got it. Except that I couldn't help thinking .. These two women are performing for their lives here. If the applause were to stop.. What would they live off of?

The gaunt faces, the arms that have no muscle just none and skin.. With smiles and big combed back hair and makeup to cover a sadness I am too familiar with. Thank god I stopped before I got that bad.

I can only hope that they have insight at some point to applaud themselves for staying alive and get the strength to get well soon.

Someone needs to do something about this problem women are facing. Our industry is rampant with eating disorders and noone is aware.. Or if they are.. Noone cares enough to do something.

Society is born from
Women folk. We are nurturers and carers. We give life. But too many are giving theirs to ideals that are unreal.:-(

Funny men and their ways.

Had an interesting experience last week with two funny men.

Both dissapointed me. But that's ok. Cause were all human. It's just that I didn't expect to hear and see what I heard and saw. One is a diva and the other is just... Worn out and jaded. And it saddens me cause both have made a career from being funny. And cheering others up. So to know that they could actually be so sad inside is.. Well... sad.
But it's a fact that public facades are not true selves very often. Even international stars are the same. Fame and money change nothing internally when it comes to self esteem and insecurities. Infact it can make things worse. Because of expectations.

One of them demanded such ridiculous terms for his fans in order to perform and the other.. Insulted his fellow local colleagues openly. Which is sad cause many people hold their tongues for the sake of pitying him and his old ways. But its ok at the end of the day cause hundreds more people will benefit from these people.. Laughing and believing what is not real. Heck that's entertainment for you.:-)

Man interviewed me about going out. It was candid:

Much love. And real laughter.. From the heart. The type that makes you wanna cry..:-)

Monday, April 16, 2012

My first book out in July Or August.

I'm quite scared. I've put in alot of private stuff. Hmm. Maybe I should edit it some more. Will I be judged? Will people like it? Will it help anyone? Will it be good enough? Should I talk about EVERYTHING I went through three years ago? Should I reveal alot. What should stay in or out...?

Dilemmas and questions that noone can answer but it is time that will reveal the answers to me.

My publishers want it in English only. I want it in Bahasa too. Let's see how we can reach a middle
Ground on this one.:-)

Tourisms CNN press release!


Noones realised it but all the so called chocolate we've been sold for years and years now in shops isn't really chocolate. I mean technically speaking its not. Its sugar. It's candy.
Cause sugar is the main ingredient. When chocolate is the first and main ingredient in the packaging-THEN you can call
It a chocolate bar. If not- it's mainly a candy bar.
So next time you buy a chocolate bar- look at the percentage of actual chocolate in the ingredients. If it comes first it's the main ingredient. If not- well.. You've been blissfully unaware all this time right? So.. I guess you could
Pretend you never read this post then.:-)

pimped up blogs and cars..

I just tried to pump up my blog. Yep this one. Failed miserably. Don't know how to. It's not for lack of effort. I just think blogs were about sharing thoughts no- I mean we could
All hire someone to make our blogs super super fancy right? But I blog to share. Only that. Not to impress. Why has everything we do become competitive? Why do I even want to win or be nominated for anything? Why did I pimp up my car? It's all for show. It really is lol. Shameless show. Some women have drivers or gold and lots of
Children. I have my car and my LOL.
But I won't pimp up this blog. Honestly I gotta keep something pure. ... Dont I???

Oh no....!! now I'm thinking about how I can pimp up this blog.sigh.why can't we all just be happy with average??!!!:-)

I had to laugh at this.

Seriously - I mean if ONLY the world suffered from this. Instead of endless worries about not being good enough. Alot of depression and people's problems are self inflicted. Self sabotage, constantly trying to fulfill self prophesies... I'll fail... I won't succeed.. I can't be loved... In too thin or too fat or ugly or my nose sucks etc... We never see ourselves as great enough. Not to be arrogant or cocky.. But to at least accept that really our DNA has come together to make a unique person. Someone irreplaceable. We are great... Yes we should always be grateful and always appreciate what we have been given..and not only when we lose it. But let's not feel so bad about how great we are. What we have achieved and the lovely things about ourselves. Screw those who say your just not good enough. It's not true. Your good enough- for someone or something or somewhere else. We all have a place in this world.. It's why each and everyone of us is here to begin with.x

Friday, April 13, 2012

never thought id be on CNN.:-)

yey.:-) xxwx

Thursday, April 12, 2012

healthy lunch!!


healthy desserts!!

recipes to come!!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

when life gets dark...

wear colours!!!:-)

how i feel.

this picture tells it all. xxxx

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

My book.

It's evolved several times. I am
Not sure how much of the truth I should include.:-( I don't want to hurt anyone in the process.. Yet I do not want to lie. What's happened to me and what I've been through is what made me who I am today.. Yet it saddens me that I must censor actual events so to keep others protected. It's a dilemma I can't quite overcome or decide on.

What do you as readers want to know... And would you judge me for telling things in my book to come about what other peopke did and said to me.....(without names perhaps..?).... I'd like to know..

Til then I shall keep writing until its done and the editing will be the big deciding factor on what stays in or gets thrown out...

Whatever the outcome.. I believe it's a book that will help others feel.. They are not alone.


Monday, April 2, 2012

Public eyes..

It's a real strange thing still.. Coming out on the cover of a paper. Somehow has become a normal part of my life to the point of me looking at it and thinking- who's that??! Oh it's me. Thankfully I can differentiate the performer me and the human me nowadays.

Yesterday.. Finished three chapters of my Book that will be out by July I hope... Feeling a bit nervous cause I'm revealing quite alot in my book. Private stuff. I hope readers will be able to accept it. I'm writing it to share Hope with everyone or anyone who's been through the challenges n difficulties that I have been through. Not to lecture or guide anyone- but just to share hope. Cause I'm still here and I'm happy and life is good today... And this book will take readers through how I got here.

It's another day and another adventure awaits.


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Sometimes not moving gets you further.

This weekend I've learned that doing nothing can actually mean something. And allow for more things. Like thinking. Resting. Breathing. Caring. I've always been one to rush through holidays or time out and make sure I had itineraries and hour per hour scheduled in ahead of time.
It made me feel in control and that I was productive.weekends and holidays would be wake up, eat, gym for as long as I could go (wanting to eat later and not feel guilty),rush out to buy something or visit something or at least just Be somewhere other than at home,other than chill.
I used to live by the idea that stopping to chill and rest meant lazy,no life or boring. That everyday and every moment of life needed to be filled.
And I have found that sadly-I can't remember many of the holidays I've had, weekends or trips. I simply can't. Blurred into my past. No matter if it was Thailand Bali Italy or new York- I couldn't truly enjoy those times cause I wasn't truly there.i was already ahead of the hours days and moments.

This weekend- I sat, read, chilled, swam a little and talked to my neighbours. It felt like two days instead of 1 today. And I feel more relaxed than one weeks vacation.

Peace truly is a state of mind- being
Present isn't just a concept or an idea I've realised- its actually doing it.